Motivation vs. Depression

via hang_in_there on Flickr

Depression is a mofo…. but then for those of you who have dealt with depression in the past or present, I’m sure I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. Living with depression affects each of us differently – muscle aches,fatigue,weight gain – it’s actually fascinating the number of ways that living with depression can impact your life. In fact, I would wager to say that a large number of people who are living with depression have symptoms that they aren’t even aware of being a part of their depression.

For me, as it turns out, living with depression means living with zero motivation. Sure, I’ll do great for a few days and then fizzle out. I’m not sure if my anxiety problems play into it or not, but the “why bothers” tend to be an ever present factor for me. Its not that I lack ideas, on the contrary actually,I’m full of them…I think almost too many at times. Some days ideas will come as easily as breaths… why hasn’t anyone done this yet, wouldn’t that be cool, I should do this, I need to finish that.  I have goals, ambitions, and aspirations much like everyone else. Sadly though, I never can stick with one. When I was a child I wanted to be a vet, when I was in high school it was musical theater, in college an archaeologist. Such is my day to day life… living in a constant state of not knowing what choice to make, what interests to pursue or even what I want to be when I grow up….although, the boat has sailed and I’m quite far beyond “grown up”

There’s just one little problem though… on top of all of those hopes, dreams, and goals I also have an inner voice telling me that I’ll just fail, or questioning who really cares, or why I should waste the time or energy to create a sub par product. It is as though the only thing I will allow myself to envision in my future is failure… the worst possible outcome. There has never been a time in my life where I set a goal and was hopeful about it ending well.

The most frustrating aspect of this life is the response from the “untrained outsiders”, those who don’t understand my disorder or just about everyone in my day to day life. I get so tired of being told that I’m just being lazy, that I need to “just do it”, or the like. I suppose I can see why they would feel this way.. I’m not the “stereotypical depressed person” I take my kids to their sports classes, help with homework, housework is done and dinner is always on the table when it should be. I’m not moping the day away letting everything else slide by. However, when it comes to doing anything for me… my “me time”..I freeze up, ball up in a blanket and do a whole bunch of nothing rather than having any hobbies or personal interests. Rather than living in a life of won’t or don’t want to I am living a life of can’t… I really can’t bring myself to get up and try, to put out the effort, or to step outside of the comfortable little black rain cloud I have been living in for so long no matter how badly I want to.

So, in light of all that… as it turns out this is the reason why things have been quiet on the Pumpkin front lately. I built myself up thinking that a 2 day old blog needed to be perfect, started comparing myself to other blogs who have been around for years, let my ideas become scattered, and ended up stressing myself out and quitting ( as usual lol) but I’m back… I can’t promise perfection ( I’m saying this more to myself I think…) or even for it to be entertaining… but it’s here, and I thank you for reading 🙂